My baby will be a month old tomorrow. I can't believe it, he's growing so fast. Someone gave us a picture frame that has a slot for a picture of each month until he's a year, it's so cute and such a good idea. I'm glad we got it. My sister's boyfriend gave Ryan a rubber ducky that is just about as big as he is, it's so cute. I know he'll have a blast with it when he's big enough to play with it. He wasn't as amused as we were when we had him sit on it lol.

We had him dedicated at church this past Sunday. I thought it was really neat and I know the Lord will hold him in His hands as he goes through life. Ryan is almost as big as his Pooh now. I really can't believe how fast he's growing. I know I shouldn't be surprised, but I am. My sister is going to watch him for a while on Saturday so Eric and I can go out to eat or something. I asked her if she wanted to watch him for an hr or so and she said, "I would love to for more than an hour, for more than three!" lol. She's goofy. I really don't know if I'll be able to go though, I haven't been away from him for more than 30 minutes since he was born.

I think we might go visit Eric's mom today for a while. We haven't seen her since the day after Ryan was born. I really kinda dread going to visit her. She's nice enough, just thinks she knows everything and tries to tell me what to do. I hate being told what to do. I despise it with a passion. I'm a pretty stubborn person and so I tend to buck when people tell me what to do. I do believe I got that from both my parents lol. Also his whole family tends to think that everything is their business and it's not. There are things that they just do not have the right to know and they don't know their boundaries. You know the day that Ryan was born she says this since he was early, "Well, you must have been pregnant before your last period, that's why he came when he did." Um...no. First of all, my brother and everyone was standing there, thank you for blurting that out in front of everyone. Second of all, he measured exactly as he should at each appt and thirdly, he was smaller than he would have been had he been full term. Thank you. Why? Why do people think they know everything and think that it's ok to say whatever pops into their heads at any given moment? Who knows? Not I. Ahhh....deep breath. Anyways, hopefully it will be a good visit and I won't have my blood pressure rise lol.

Yesterday was a not so good day for me. I miss my dad so much and I believe that it's just started to really sink in that he's not here any more. I think that with being pregnant when he passed and then having Ryan 18 days after and having to adjust to a newborn at home, that I was able to keep it at the back of my mind and not really deal with it. I have lived in denial about as long as I could and now I have to deal with it. I don't want to. I honestly would rather live in denial. I do not want to have to face the fact that my dad is gone and he's not going to be there when we go to my parent's house. We went over there weekend before last and noone was home when we got there. My sister had given us the key to get in and it was the strangest feeling walking in and not seeing my dad there. He was always there, always. He was supposed to be there forever. I need him to be there. I need him to be a phone call away. He was always there to bail me out of whatever bind I found myself. He was there everytime my stupid car I drove in high school broke down. He was there everytime I needed a ride. Everytime I needed anything, he was there. He taught me how to drive. He let me steer the car while he worked the gas and brake. He would let us ride in the back of his pickup while he drove real slow and let us grab the branches on the trees as we passed by so we could take the leaves off. He would take us fishing and even though I always wanted to leave after about 10 mins he would take me anyways. He would catch a fish and put it on our lines so we would think we had caught it. When I was 16 my brother was 18 and moved to Nevada. He had a CD player in his car when he left and told me I could have it. Well apparantely I didn't realize that they made adapters so that they would fit into different vehicles, so my dad made me one. Granted it was uglier than homemade soap, it was wood and he painted it black (my car was gray), but he took the time to make it for me. When he taught me to drive he was so patient with me. I ran through a stoplight at a busy intersection and the only thing he said was, "you really need to watch that next time." Around the same time he was teaching me how to change a tire, I jacked the car up, we took the tire off, Dad had his leg under the car, the jack fell, so did the car, right on top of his leg. Thank God it had rained recently so his leg sank into the ground instead of breaking. I freaked out and was saying I was sorry. He was obviously in pain but said through clenched teeth, "it's ok, I'm alright." He was there for all of us no matter what. He was in pain 24/7, but anytime any of us needed him he was there. I need him to be there now. I need him to be there so I can show him my baby. I need to see his face light up when we walk in the door. I need to be able to get irritated at him when he says "Pud, you gotta minute?" Only to ask me to bring him a Pepsi. I need him so I can ask him who sang certain songs. I need him, only he's not here anymore. The Lord needed him more than me. It hurts so much. It hurts to know I'll never see his face as long as I'm here on earth. It hurts to know that I won't be able to see him hold my sweet baby. I miss him and as much as I miss him I know I have to go on. Life doesn't stop and the Lord doesn't want us to stop. Every day we have to get out of bed and do the things that life requires from us. I'm sure everyone is tired of me writing about this, but I needed to get it off my chest.



On the bright side, my baby is doing wonderfully. He's now 3 weeks and 1 day old, that's so hard to believe. At his last appt (last Wednesday) he weighed 6 lbs 12 oz. I'm not sure how long he was, cause at the time she was measuring him, he decided he was going to go to the bathroom (all over the room) and I was cleaning it up lol. Ahh, the joys of little boys lol. He's changed looks a lot already, and he's just as cute as can be. His little hands are exact replica's of his daddy's and it is so cute! The lines and everything are exactly the same. They are definite hand twins. I love him so much and am so glad the Lord put him in my life.

Andrea started a Valentine's Day Lovefest so I think I'll join in and tell my story of how Eric and I met. Our story is a little more uninteresting than some, but nevertheless it's our story and I'm proud that we're together so it's special to me :)

I graduated in 2002, I was dating a guy who was a complete jerk and I was more or less headed down a path of destruction for myself. I moved out of my parents house into my own apartment. The guy I was dating lived 2 hrs away and pretty much would only come down if I paid his way. It was quite charming to say the least. I took him to meet my parents (boy I wish I hadn't done that now, they never should have had to endure that). My dad (who was the most protective of dads) nodded his head for me to leave the room, I did. He looked the guy in the eyes and told him simply if he hurt me he'd kill him. That was one of the last times I seen the guy lol. I was supposed to go see him one night and my car got smashed by a semi. After that it was over. So, I was broken hearted and was online one evening at my apartment. I came across this guy who looked like a guy I went to high school with. We talked for a while (of course he wasn't the guy from high school) and after talking several times we exchanged phone numbers. The first time we talked on the phone we talked for 7 hours. He was sweet and honest and cared about what I was saying. It was amazing, I didn't know that there were guys who still acted like that. From the time I was a little girl I wanted a guy who would treat me like my dad treated my mom. Someone who would light up when I walked in the room. I met that guy online. After talking on the phone for I don't know how long he drove to see me, he lived two hrs away (and he paid for it himself lol). I didn't have a car still (he ended up taking me to look for one and helped me pick it out), so he had to make all the trips himself for quite a while. He did and that was one of the ways I knew he was the right one for me. He treated me like a princess and when I took him to meet my family my dad gave me the nod for me to leave the room. I did and my dad told him "See that bat sitting over there? You hurt my daughter and I'll kill you with it." Eric looked dad in the eyes and said, "You don't have to worry about it sir." He never did either, and a few times after that dad was telling me to take care of his boy. lol Five years of marriage later, I'm happier than I've ever been with this man. Every day he lets me know how much I mean to him just by his simple actions. God has blessed us with a wonderful relationship and a beautiful son and I look forward to the years that we will share together.

Yesterday was a month since my dad passed. It was a very difficult day. It doesn't seem to be getting easier. They say it doesn't for a long time, that's not very comforting. My grandma told my mom it took her 7 months before she didn't cry almost every day after losing my grandpa. We'll get through, we have each other. I just really don't understand why he's gone. I don't think I ever will. God has His reasons, I don't have to understand I guess.

My baby is two weeks old today. That seems impossible too. We took him to church yesterday for the first time. The preacher had us come up front with him. He had us come up the week after dad passed away too so that mom could say a few words. He had told the congregation about dad and how important he was to the starting of the church so many years ago. So this week he reminded everybody of dad's promotion to be with the Lord (I think that's a comforting way of thinking about it) just before Ryan's birth and had us come up so they could see the new grandbaby. I love that church and the Lord is really moving in there. I really wish we could make it there every Sunday though. I'm just glad we live close enough to be able to go every couple weeks now. It brings me lots of comfort. My sister also got a picture of him sucking his thumb. He doesn't usually do that and it was the cutest thing (ok, maybe I'm a little partial) :) I love him so much. He's doing really good. He has his two week check up on Wednesday. I love him with all my heart he's such a huge blessing in our lives.

I got a little pick-me-up today. I went through my closet and tried on all my prepregnancy clothes. They all fit me! I was so excited about the jeans fitting. One pair was even a little loose. A couple of my shirts are to big too. I'm thrilled. So far I've lost all but 4 lbs! YAY! I was really worried about that. I'm so glad that I worked out throughout the whole pregnancy. I really needed this pick-me-up today!

My poor little guy had to spend Friday night in the hospital. We had an appt that day for his first checkup and he had jaundice so they had to keep him and put him under the lights overnight. He got out Saturday afternoon and we have another appt today to make sure that his levels are still down. I sure hope they are cause I'm tired of that hospital and I hated seeing him under those darn lights. We couldn't take him out all day and night and the little guy did so good. He had to wear little goggles for his eyes and I felt so bad for him. It broke my heart. My mom and sister came down on Friday, they had been planning on it anyways, but they went ahead and came and stayed with us until Sunday. My mom was wanting to help us out and let me get some sleep. She said she felt like she didn't get to do much since we were in the hospital for one of the nights she was here but it was wonderful just having her here and I think she was an amazing help. She's such an amazing lady and I love her so much.

Yesterday was pretty rough for me. After my mom and sister went home we went to the store and I stayed in the car with Ryan. I was sitting there thinking and it hit me pretty hard that Dad won't be able to hold his grandbaby. I didn't have time to think this past week and yesterday it really just hit me. It really just breaks my heart. This Thursday he will have been gone a month. It seems unreal and I really would rather live in denial about that. I don't know if that's healthy but it sure doesn't hurt as bad.