Life With My Soldier

Yesterday was a not so good day for me. I miss my dad so much and I believe that it's just started to really sink in that he's not here any more. I think that with being pregnant when he passed and then having Ryan 18 days after and having to adjust to a newborn at home, that I was able to keep it at the back of my mind and not really deal with it. I have lived in denial about as long as I could and now I have to deal with it. I don't want to. I honestly would rather live in denial. I do not want to have to face the fact that my dad is gone and he's not going to be there when we go to my parent's house. We went over there weekend before last and noone was home when we got there. My sister had given us the key to get in and it was the strangest feeling walking in and not seeing my dad there. He was always there, always. He was supposed to be there forever. I need him to be there. I need him to be a phone call away. He was always there to bail me out of whatever bind I found myself. He was there everytime my stupid car I drove in high school broke down. He was there everytime I needed a ride. Everytime I needed anything, he was there. He taught me how to drive. He let me steer the car while he worked the gas and brake. He would let us ride in the back of his pickup while he drove real slow and let us grab the branches on the trees as we passed by so we could take the leaves off. He would take us fishing and even though I always wanted to leave after about 10 mins he would take me anyways. He would catch a fish and put it on our lines so we would think we had caught it. When I was 16 my brother was 18 and moved to Nevada. He had a CD player in his car when he left and told me I could have it. Well apparantely I didn't realize that they made adapters so that they would fit into different vehicles, so my dad made me one. Granted it was uglier than homemade soap, it was wood and he painted it black (my car was gray), but he took the time to make it for me. When he taught me to drive he was so patient with me. I ran through a stoplight at a busy intersection and the only thing he said was, "you really need to watch that next time." Around the same time he was teaching me how to change a tire, I jacked the car up, we took the tire off, Dad had his leg under the car, the jack fell, so did the car, right on top of his leg. Thank God it had rained recently so his leg sank into the ground instead of breaking. I freaked out and was saying I was sorry. He was obviously in pain but said through clenched teeth, "it's ok, I'm alright." He was there for all of us no matter what. He was in pain 24/7, but anytime any of us needed him he was there. I need him to be there now. I need him to be there so I can show him my baby. I need to see his face light up when we walk in the door. I need to be able to get irritated at him when he says "Pud, you gotta minute?" Only to ask me to bring him a Pepsi. I need him so I can ask him who sang certain songs. I need him, only he's not here anymore. The Lord needed him more than me. It hurts so much. It hurts to know I'll never see his face as long as I'm here on earth. It hurts to know that I won't be able to see him hold my sweet baby. I miss him and as much as I miss him I know I have to go on. Life doesn't stop and the Lord doesn't want us to stop. Every day we have to get out of bed and do the things that life requires from us. I'm sure everyone is tired of me writing about this, but I needed to get it off my chest.



On the bright side, my baby is doing wonderfully. He's now 3 weeks and 1 day old, that's so hard to believe. At his last appt (last Wednesday) he weighed 6 lbs 12 oz. I'm not sure how long he was, cause at the time she was measuring him, he decided he was going to go to the bathroom (all over the room) and I was cleaning it up lol. Ahh, the joys of little boys lol. He's changed looks a lot already, and he's just as cute as can be. His little hands are exact replica's of his daddy's and it is so cute! The lines and everything are exactly the same. They are definite hand twins. I love him so much and am so glad the Lord put him in my life.