Thursday, August 31, 2006

I bought a journal to keep for Eric when he left and I wrote in it almost everyday that he was gone. By the time he came home for R&R I had filled every page. It worked out to be only one page more than I needed, which I thought was kind of funny. When he left I bought another one to keep for the second half of our deployment journey. It's more than 3/4 of the way filled, I counted the pages, and it came to one page less then the VERY tentative date that we've been given of the time he'll be coming home. Kind of odd if you ask me.

I'm loading up the truck tomorrow for my drive this weekend to the oh-so-wonderful state of Kansas. I'm really excited about it though. I'm ready to get the rest of our things up there and start getting the place in order for when Eric comes home. I really just want to have a place for him to come and not have to worry about helping me unpack and get things in order. A place for him to relax and kick his feet up, with no worries. I love the thought that he'll be home very soon. I've come to realize that the term "very soon" changes once you go through a deployment. It's not that it's tomorrow or even a couple weeks from now, but when you get to a point where it's down to the lower double digits of days it's "very soon."

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Our trip up to Kansas was a quick one, but we got to see Grandpa. The first day we were there he was sleeping the whole time, and wouldn't wake up. The second day he was up and they even had him out in the lobby area. He was giving kisses and he drank a couple glasses of water. He hadn't drank anything on his own in about a week, so that was really good. He's still refusing to eat though and yesterday he was irritable I guess. The hospice nurse told them yesterday that she didn't see any decline over the weekend, but no improvement either. Eric and I talked about sending a red cross message to him, but we decided it would be better if we just waited it out. They don't consider grandparents immediate family (which I think is ridiculous) and he might not have gotten it anyways. He just feels so bad because he's not here with me and he wants to be here to help. Of course it's definitely not his fault and he shouldn't feel like that, but I know it would seem a lot easier for the both of us if he was here.

I'm going up to Kansas this weekend with my sister to move the rest of my things up there. Then I have to bring my sister back down here and then go back up there and then I'll be there. That's so wonderful though. We will be one more step closer to Eric being home with me. My mom said she doesn't like that I'm going up there, but I have to get up there and get our place in order. I don't want Eric to come home to a house full of boxes. Not that it would bother him, but I'd just like to have the whole place in order, that way we don't have to worry about that when he first gets home. Besides, I need a major break from this house and my family. As blessed as I am to have them and to have been able to stay here for the time Eric's been gone, I NEED OUT! Hopefully between moving, school and unpacking it will help time go by quickly. As long as things with Grandpa don't get worse I'll be able to focus all my attention on those things. Am I the only one who thinks the month of August has stalled and will never come to an end? I suppose September and October will feel the same way though. I just can't wait until the day I wake up and it's time to go pick him up.

Friday, August 25, 2006

Blogger was messing up for a while, but I finally decided to try and republish the stupid thing and it worked, so that's good.

I've been doing ok this week as far as working out. I've been doing it like always, twice a day. I think I'm a bit addicted to Tae Bo. I love it. I went through all my clothes and had to get rid of most of them. It kind of sucked, but only because I had to get rid of so many things I had never even got a chance to wear because it was too small. Then they were too big, so they had to go. That's good, don't get me wrong, but I hate having to buy new clothes. I hate clothes shopping, lol. I told my mom today that I'm finally down to what I've had on my driver's license, lol. Well, as I'm sure you all can put two and two together, I was so much heavier then that number who in the world did I think I was foolin'? lol... Oh well, I was ashamed, and still am, about how much I let myself go. Now, though I'm quite proud of the way I feel. I have so much more energy now then I used to and I don't feel so self conscious. It's hard getting up the energy and strength to get started, but I am so thankful that the Lord gave me what I needed to get off my butt and do it. Of course I still have my hard days when I don't want to do anything, but I still do it, because I know more than anything that I don't want to go back to where I came from. It's a lifelong journey, but with the Lord's help I can do it.

I miss my husband. I miss the comfort that he gives me when I'm feeling down. I miss the way he always knows when something is wrong with me, even when I try to hide it. I miss the way he pesters me to tell him what's wrong when I don't want to. I miss the kisses and hugs and feeling so safe and secure in his arms. I miss everything about him and I just keep going through each day hoping that the next day go faster then this one did. They never do, but I guess that's to be expected. I'm looking forward to just being able to say, "I'll see you next month." I hope that day comes soon.

I'm going up to Kansas tomorrow morning to see my Grandpa. He's in the nursing home and they started him on Hospice today. I still don't know if the dr's have given any kind of estimation on how long he has, because that's a hard question to ask. My Aunt Dixie told my mom yesterday that Grandpa just keeps saying, "Lord have mercy." My dad said he heard him say that a few days ago, but didn't think anything of it. My mom asked what he thinks of it now and Dad said "I think he's ready to go." Dad had a very hard time when he lost his mom, and it's going to be so much worse on him with his dad. They have always been best buddies and Dad depends so much on Grandpa. I've been thinking about the times I have spent alone time with Grandpa and these two stories stick out greatest in my mind (sorry for the length): When I was 16, my brother moved to Nevada. Well, both of my aunt's lived there along with some of my cousins. When I was 17 my Grandpa wanted to drive out there and see them. Just him and I went. It was the first road trip I had been on, and I definitely wasn't an experienced highway driver (I'm from an extremly small town, and have parents that are really protective). So we were driving and we, for some reason I still don't understand, took the corner of Nebraska. Well, I'm driving through this little town, and I drive past a line of cops at the beginning of the town. I get past those cops and get on the highway (we were lost) and I come up on this cop and almost rear end him because he doesn't have his lights on. So, I swerve over real fast and go around him, and then get pulled over for not using my turn signal. Well, the cop doesn't give me a ticket and tries to explain how to get the heck out of that town. I was so nervous I switched and let Grandpa drive. I insisted that he not tell anybody about me getting pulled over, and he said alright. So, we try and follow the cops directions and end up at the beginning of the town again, where all the cops are. Grandpa drives really slow, always has, and one of the cops pulled him over. They said he was swerving and thought he might be a drunk driver, which is what they were all doing out there. So, he calls in the plates and the cop that had just pulled me over comes over the radio and says he just pulled us over and whatnot. Grandpa didn't get a ticket either, but we did get escorted out of town, lol. When we got to Nevada I told everyone. Grandpa said, "I thought we wasn't going to tell anybody." I said, "No, that was when I was the only one who had got pulled over, it's ok now that you did too." Grandpa said, "No, you're just a typical woman, you just wanted to be the one to tell them, so you told me not to." lol... He always cracks me up. Then another time I was driving him back up to Kansas and I passed a car and I noticed him gripping the arm rest, I said, "Grandpa, am I scaring you?" He said, "Oh, no. You're only going 80 uphill on the wrong side of the road." LOL..... Ok, I'm done with my useless stories of the night. Sorry I rambled.

Thank you to everyone for all your prayers. It's been such a blessing, and I'm so thankful to each and everyone of you girls.

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

The past couple days have been trying on our family. My aunts (my dad's sisters) came in from Montana and Nevada early Tuesday morning. They went over to the hospital at around 11 a.m. to see my grandpa (their dad). My mom and I went over about an hour later. He slept the whole time we were there, from noon until 2. We tried and tried, but he just wouldn't wake up. It was so sad to watch him, because he was twitching really bad while he was sleeping. My mom and I left, but my aunts stayed. They stayed there all day until about 10 that night. My mom and dad went back over there at about 6 and stayed till 9. He was up for a while during the evening with them there and they said he drank a little water and some Pepsi. They also got him to eat a little. The night nurse told them all that they didn't think he would walk out of the hospital he was so bad. He's severely dehydrated and putting him on an IV at this point would be like keeping him alive artificially. So, today my aunts got up and went over at about the same time. I jumped in the shower and my mom, dad and I were going to run over there. By the time I got out of the shower my aunts were back and packing up their stuff. They said the hospital released Grandpa and they were taking him back home to Kansas to the nursing home. They said that they told them at the hospital that he doesn't have long at all and they thought it would be better if he was around family and friends so they were releasing him. They didn't give it a time, but I know if he doesn't get some fluids in him it won't be too long. It is so sad how fast he has went downhill. Just last week he was running around the run (literally he was running, he loves to run) and now he can't even walk by himself. This guy has always been the strongest, most healthy, guy I have ever known. Just a couple years ago he got his physical and the Dr told him that he was in as good of shape as a 20 year old. Now, he's so bad that he can't feed himself? Where's the logic in that? What kind of end is that for a man who worked his butt off everyday until he was 75 years old? He's went from mostly independent to totally dependent in a matter of a couple of weeks?
He served in KoreaPhotobucket - Video and Image Hosting, he worked on a ton of farms, he used to rodeo (he was still telling me those stories last week, saying he wanted to start doing it again, but they wouldn't let him because he was too old), he worked on oilrigs, in coal mines, in construction (up until he retired he was building roads), and this is what it boils down to? After writing that it helps me see that he's lived a full life and has had lots of fun in the process. In the past couple years he really started saying "I've had a lot of fun in my life" a lot. I know that God has His reasons, and that we don't always understand them. I'm just glad that Grandpa is in His hands, it's all up to Him now. There are two ironic things about this situation: 1. My sister is the exact same age as I was when my grandma passed away 7 years ago and 2. This is the second time that Eric's been gone when we've had a health issue in the family. The first time he was at PLDC and my dad got really sick with his liver. He was in liver failure and there was nothing the drs could do about it, and Eric couldn't come home then either. Now this one with Grandpa. He told me when I talked to him tonight to tell my family to stop it, lol. Maybe he shouldn't leave, lol. Man, I would love him to be here with me right now, that would be so nice to have the support he gives me. That's ok though, he'll be home in a couple months. God help our family pull through this, and if it's Grandpa's time let him go be at home with the love of his life, my Grandma Shirley.
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Saturday, August 19, 2006

Ok, a while back I found a website, The Tanker Brothers. They are a couple soldiers with a blog and a cause. It's a really neat website if you haven't ever heard of it. Anyways, their cause is to show the world that we support our troops. The anti-war people started a "Rolling Fast" to show that they are against the war. Well, The Tanker Brothers started their own fast, "Rolling Victory Fast", to show the world that we support our troops, no matter what political views you have.

So, I volunteered to show my support for the troops. Today was my day. Before I even got out of bed this morning I prayed that the Lord would give me the strength to do this with no problems. It hasn't been bad, at all. I haven't even been tempted to eat. Showing my support for my wonderful husband and the rest of the troops is worth it, that's for sure! After all they do for us, what's one day? Besides, there's nothing like the feeling of standing for something worthwhile.

Grandpa's doing better than the previous post. He's still in the hospital, but they're starting to try to get his medicine regulated. Hopefully he'll be a little back to normal pretty soon. At least so he's not out of it so much, because of the drugs they've had him sedated on, that he doesn't recognize anybody.

Friday, August 18, 2006

Another Gettin' Fit Friday is upon us. I did ok this week. It seemed like I ate a little more than usual, but it was more like smaller portions more times per day. Which is how Eric and my dad eat and they are both skinny, lol. Not that I'm like them, because if I were I wouldn't be worried about losing the weight. Anyways, I've done my workouts everyday. I've been doing more Tae Bo than usual since I'm getting bored with riding the stationary bike. That's alright though, I'm still doing it and that's what counts. I have lost a few more pounds which brings my grand total up to 60 pounds! I was pretty proud of myself when I looked at the scale.

Classes are going ok. Both Eric and I are working ahead in both classes. I took my first exam in military history today and made an 88%, which is good considering it is a history class. I also took a test in the finance class and made a 100%. So, anyways, that's going alright.

My grandpa's wife came down the other day. The first day that she was here was an alright day with Grandpa. However, the second day wasn't so good. He wasn't doing very well, and after she left he started crying. He was having a semi-breakdown I think. Anyways, my parents took him to the ER because he was really upset and for the most part he hadn't been doing good at all. He was up for 2 days at a time and kept getting really mad at my dad when he would tell him anything. I felt so bad for Grandpa the day they took him to the ER. It was right before his wife left and he had his arm around me and I said "You sure are handsome, Grandpa." He said, "I'm dumb." That broke my heart. I told him he was not, he was the smartest man I know. He smiled and said, "Did you know I love you?" Anyways, after taking him to the hospital, they decided to keep him. They said he was really dehydrated and they wanted to keep him in. That was on Wednesday. The dr told my parents that no matter how hard we try we can't give him the care that he needs and that when they release him from the hospital she wants him to go to a nursing home. They're keeping him in the hospital for 7-10 days to try and get his medicine regulated and such. He had an MRI done and they read it on Wednesday too. The dr said that it shows that the blood vessels in his head are almost non-existant and that his heart rate was only in the 50's. My mom's mom (my grandpa is my dad's dad) sent my mom some things on Alzheimer's and it said that the average length a person lives with the disease is 7 years, although some have lived with it for more than 20 years. Grandpa started getting symptoms right after my grandma passed away, 7 years ago. The dr that told my parents all that told them that basically the dr that said that Grandpa didn't have Alzheimer's was leading them down a path of false hope. I pray that this dr is wrong and that there will be a miracle happen.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

I started classes yesterday. I'm taking American Military History and Personal Finance. Neither of them are sounding too interesting to me. I just figured that the personal finance one would help Eric and me when it comes to saving some money for our future. The history class I'm just taking because I need a history class to complete my degree. I'm not a big fan of history, but Eric took the class and said he loved it (of course he loves history, so that's not much help to me). Oh well, gotta do what ya gotta do. I'm just glad class finally started, hopefully it will help occupy my time.

Today has been a pretty crappy day. I just wasn't in a good mood at all. Everything was getting on my nerves. My sister was hounding me about wanting to go to Wal Mart. I was trying to read the stupid history book. My grandpa's wife is down here and we left only to return to find her car parked about two inches from where I park. That irritated me, but my mom said she'd move it. We left again, came back and nope, still in the same place. I told my mom, I really don't want the passenger side of my jeep ripped off. Ok, I know those are kind of stupid things to gripe about but it's just been one of those days. It's nothing really big, just everything was getting on my nerves. But Eric called and saved my day. He just started talking about this song on the Rascal Flatt's cd, "Ellsworth". It's a song about someone's grandma who has Alzheimer's and can't remember anything except when they bring up their grandpa. She remembers everything about their love from the time it started. It talks about them being high school sweethearts walking together and such. Anyways, he asked me if I thought we would have been high school sweethearts if we would have went to the same school. I told him yes I do. I said I think that even if we wouldn't have met when and where we did we would have eventually met each other. Because we were destined to be together. Anyways, after talking about that we started talking about when we were dating. We were saying how we started as friends and that's such a good way to start things. I told him that he never even asked me to be his girlfriend. I guess it was just unspoken, we both just knew. So, tonight while we were talking he asked me to go steady with him, lol. It sounds so corny, but it was so sweet. He told me that I could start wearing his Army ring if I wanted to, lol. By the time we got off the phone I was smiling from ear to ear. He always has that effect on me. His timing couldn't have been better, and I appreciate him so much for that. He always has a way of helping me forget about the stupid things in life and focus on what is important.

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Friday, August 11, 2006

Ok, I almost forgot that today is Gettin' Fit Friday. So, it's midnight, but I remembered. I'm pretty proud of myself this week. I've done my exercising all week, except today. I did Tae Bo yesterday, which left me sore today, but I enjoyed it. Since I've been doing so good I rewarded myself this week. I went and got my hair cut. It's still basically the same, but I got 2 inches cut off. I love it though. It's the best it's looked in a long time. I went to a different lady, and I love the way she does it! Anyways, I didn't lose any more weight this week, but that's to be expected. However, I was able to go and buy a smaller size pants! Eric's been bugging me for a long time (along with all my family) to go buy new pants. The one's I have are so baggy it's really pathetic. I just hate going to buy new clothes when I'm not expecting to be in them for too long. I just bought several pairs of pants when Eric came home for R&R in May, and they are way to big. I hate having to get rid of them when they're only a couple months old. So, it's hard for me to want to go and buy new clothes. But, I did it anyways. It was nice to go into the fitting room and try on a size that I don't even remember wearing, EVER, and them fitting. I'm pretty darn proud of myself.

I went and visited my MIL today too. We had a pretty good conversation. She's big time into the crocheting, and it cracks me up. I mean, I do it sometimes, but she's like extremely dedicated to it. So, every time I go up there she shows me the blankets that she's accomplished since I last saw her. She's making blankets for Feed the Children. Since Jan. she's made 58 blankets. She's a character, but I love her.

Update on my grandpa:
His wife left yesterday. He's not been doing too good, but hopefully he'll be getting better. The dr scheduled him for a MRI for Monday. They want to make sure he doesn't have a tumor or anything like that. The dr also said that he can't say for sure how long it will be before we start to see an improvement in him. He said that it depends on how much damage was caused by the misdiagnosis and whatnot. He said it could be weeks, months or even years before he's fully recovered. We're praying for the best though. I just pray that with everyone going back to school and working that my dad is able to handle him the majority of the time by himself. If the good Lord is willing, it won't be too long though and he'll at least be mildy improved.

On a side note, my other grandpa (my mom's stepdad) had cancer back a couple years ago in his lungs. He went through cemo and radiation and went into remission. Well, a few months ago his arm started hurting him and he went to the PA that they have (they don't have a real dr) and he started treating him for a pulled muscle. Well, it hasn't gotten any better so he went to another PA and she was really worried about it. Turns out it's a tumor in his arm. So, he went and had a MRI done, but it was inconclusive. So please keep him in your prayers too. I would greatly appreciate it!

I still haven't got everything up to Kansas, but I'm not going to worry about it too much right now. Michelle asked if the military would move us. They won't because it was my choice to move down here while Eric's gone. It wasn't "approved" by them, so it's up to us to get back up there.

To end on happier news: We got the July newsletter for the unit and the girl who sent it said, "Only two more issues left." That is wonderful!!!!!

Monday, August 07, 2006

Yesterday and today have been nothing but painting. My mom got on her hands and knees and scrubbed and waxed her kitchen floor. It looked really good, so she said would like to paint her kitchen, so my sister decided to buy her the paint for her birthday. So, we've been spending the past couple days just painting. It wasn't too big a deal, except the shutters for the window. They are a huge pain the butt! Every time it seemed like we had got them painted there were more stupid areas of the stupid things that we missed. We now have a new family motto, "Don't clean the floor if you don't want to paint", lol. Oh well, mom likes it, so it was worth it.

Well, since my parents took my grandpa to the dr he's just been getting worse. The dr said that he didn't have alzheimer's and took him off one of his alzheimer's medications plus he lowered the insulin for his diabetes. He also put him on 4 more medications. Well, he's just been getting worse and worse since then. His wife is a piece of work too. She's so selfish and it just makes me so mad. The whole situation is not about her, it's about Grandpa. For pete's sake, she's in her 70's you'd think she'd realize the world doesn't revolve around her by now. Anyways, after fighting with her and finally letting her know that there is absolutely NO way that we're willing to put him in a nursing home at this point, she's agreed to let him move in with my parents. We all still have hope that he's going to get better. We just want her to give us a chance to help him. If that doesn't work then at least we tried. You would think she would be grateful that his family wanted to help her out. Nope, she acts like we're all out to get her. IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU LADY!!! So, Grandpa is coming down here tomorrow to live with us. She's coming too. So, we're all trying to figure out places to be, where she won't be, lol... She's staying until Friday! Oh boy.

I know it's not the right attitude to have, but she just chaps my hide. Grandpa has always been the type of man who would give you the shirt off his back (he offers every time you compliment his shirt, lol). We just want someone who is willing to put his needs first. I know she can't handle him the way he is, so let us try. Without being a big fat baby! Ok, thanks for letting me get that out of my system.

Please pray that I can find a way to get the rest of my things from here up to our new apartment. I hate to ask my brother again, he works on an oilrig and he's fixing to start school, and I don't know anybody else who would be able to help me. I have to get two vehicles plus the furniture from down here up there. I know that the Lord will show me the way. I just have to give it to him, but sometimes that is truly one of the hardest things to do.

Saturday, August 05, 2006

Alright, well I'm rested up now, so I thought I would write about my visit with my family. The first night we got there was alright. All of the kids (minus the two under 10) stayed in one of the cabins and stayed up really really late talking. We even played truth or dare. That was quite odd, especially since we were all cousins, lol. Nothing too personal revealled. Although they were pretty mean to my cousin who's 12. They made him eat the head of a locust, lol. But, don't worry, before it was all over we made the cousin (Skyler) who made him eat that eat the body of the locust. I felt like we were on fear factor, lol.

Anyways, after having to reveal a few things that I would have rather not had my little 15 year old sister hear, we went to sleep. It wasn't anything too terrible, it's just that I'm really protective of her. I don't think that she needs to even be thinking about things like drinking and partying. She's only 15! So, the next day the only thing I could think about was Eric. I wanted him to be there so bad. My cousin from Washington, Amanda, was there. I hadn't seen her in 5 years, and it was great seeing her. She brought her boyfriend, Brian, though. So, we weren't able to catch up too much. Brian was halarious though. So, the third day was better. We all went swimming and played horseshoes (I suck by the way). Then we loaded up in my cousin Victor's truck and went into town. It was a good time. Amanda, Victor, and I have always been really close. They are my favorite cousins. It's kind of sad though. Victor only lives an hour and a half away from my parents, but it's been almost 2 years since I've seen him. That's really pathetic. The last night that we were there, we spent it at Victor's house. Anyways, I had a good time, but I was really ready to leave. Amanda kept asking me to call and reschedule my appointment to move into the apartment, but I didn't. I was so ready to get up there and start moving in. I know that I should have probably stayed there, but I was just ready to get into our place. One of these days, though, I would love to be stationed in Washington. Then I could spend a lot more time with her. Here's a couple pictures of our time at the lake.

Amanda, me and Victor

Me and Victor
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My sister and Skyler--I couldn't resist, that's too cute!
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Amanda and Brian
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My Grandma, she's so cute!
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I'm watching "Down to You" with Freddie Prince Jr. and Julia Stiles. I love that movie. It's the first one that Eric and I ever watched together. Aahh, such sweet memories.

Friday, August 04, 2006

Well, I'm back, and just in time for Gettin' Fit Friday! Well, I didn't exercise in the traditional sense of the word. I basically just got my exercise in by doing things with my family, like swimming and walking around. I also did a lot of moving this week. I spent three days just moving things out of storage and unpacking. I was feeling horrible because I hadn't been able to do my usual routine. Especially today while I was driving back to my parents house. I was feeling really bad about it. When I got home I weighed myself, with a fear of having gained weight over the week. To my surprise, I lost 3 pounds! YAY!!! That was wonderful to see that.

Me with my new outfit today. Which, by the way, the pants are still too big for me, lol.
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Here are a couple pictures of our new apartment. It's so cute. I went and ordered a new bed for us too. It's so comfortable! Oh my gosh, that was the best night's sleep that I've had since Eric left. I just melted into the mattress. I can't wait until he's here to enjoy it with me. I hate moving though. I've done a million loads of laundry and dishes. There's still a ton more to go! It seems like I unpacked a ton of boxes, but yet, look at the stack that's still left for me! Geez! Oh well, I'm excited about it. We're one step closer to Eric coming home, and that's what makes it all worth while. In fact, Eric sent a few boxes home the other day. They're on their way! Which makes us another step closer. So, we're two steps closer to him coming home. WooHoo, I can count! LOL...ok, I'm tired. I'll post more about my time with my family later. I'm too tired to mess with loading more pictures on here tonight. Goodnight.